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One Nation, Overweight 7/1/02

What is this country coming to?  I'll tell you what.  Cellulite.  Yes, we were proclaimed the world's fattest nation.  I know that's old news, but you must understand that the longer we allow ourselves to continue to get fat, the faster we'll all die horrible fat deaths.  You know, the kind that involve a heart attack while you're bedridden and the only way they find you is when you fail to call for your grocery deliveries for two weeks in a row, and the smell is driving the neighbor's dog insane.  Or maybe when a stroke claims you at the top of a thirty story stairwell, and you take out seven people, two small children, and a pet cat on your way down.  The last thing they remember is doing their Indiana Jones impersonation as your bulk flys at them at over 50 miles per hour. 

Have you heard these new "diet" drug commercials?  Like Body Solutions and such.  They claim that you can just take them and lose weight.  Nevermind the fact that you have to follow instructions for eating and exercising.  You're just taking a goddamn sugar pill (or worse) with water, then doing all the things you're supposed to do anyway. 

Plus, you have these people that are exercise addicts.  They join a gym and pay somebody to make them work out.  If they lose weight, they keep going and going and going.  They outlast the fucking Energizer bunny.  Meanwhile, he's sitting at home sipping a beer and brushing pork rinds out of his pink fur watching Buns of Steel tapes because the wife won't let him buy real porn. 

Beyond the pathetic exercise-aholics you have the extremists.  Lipo-suction, plastic surgery, stomach shrinking.  Why don't you sew your mouth shut and chop your hands off while you're at it.  Hey, Porky, why don't you just not let yourself get that fat in the first place! 

Yes, there are varying body structures, genetics do seem to play a role, but that's no excuse for the fat son of a bitch taking up two chairs at the local buffet and eating enough food for an entire football team.  You know how much food is required to feed a 500 pound man?  I don't know the figure, but I'm sure its a round one. 

I work out enough to keep my couch potato ass from becoming the bane of my couch's existence.  I don't want a giant hamster wheel in my living room, nor do I want to see another Richard Simmons tape for as long as I live.  150 lbs. is the heaviest I've ever been, and its the heaviest I'll ever be.  If I'm over 200 pounds, and I'm still only 5'10", I'm shooting myself in the head.  I've got enough problems as it is, being overweight will just be icing on the cake. 

Long live fat, diabetic America. 

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